Representatives of the Fund Our Communities Maryland coalition “flew” an F-35 in Bethesda on April 16 to celebrate tax day. The plane fell apart—exhibiting the absurdity of using our taxes on a plane that doesn’t work and isn’t useful for our defense but that will end up costing us $1.5 trillion, more than the cost of the Korean and Vietnam wars combined (in inflation-adjusted dollars).
For the cost of this one weapons system, we could give every unemployed American a $50,000/year job for the next four years. Activists distributed a satiric newspaper to passers-by, with these headlines:
- “Bethesda-Based Lockheed Martin Acknowledges Role as Stealth Peace Group”
- “Lockheed Martin Nominated for Nobel Peace Prize”
- “Peace Action Salutes the F-35: The Jet That Ate the Pentagon”
- “Lockheed Martin Absolved of Corporate Welfare Charge.”
See these stories below.
Bethesda-Based Lockheed Martin Acknowledges Role as Stealth Peace Group
Bethesda — Marillyn Hewson, CEO of Lockheed Martin, in an unprecedented announcement confirmed rumors today that the company is secretly working for world peace. “We can no longer deny it, as it has become obvious to everyone,” she said. The company released a report showing how over the past 20 years it has wreaked havoc with the Pentagon’s budget. “Our goal,” Hewson said, “was to use up so much of the Pentagon’s appropriations on useless and unworkable weapons systems that the U.S. would lose its capability of starting another destructive war. We are very proud of our record,” she said. “In addition to producing shoddy products, we have also consistently overcharged the Pentagon, brought all our contracts in late, and at least doubled the original contract prices for all products. Sometimes we’ve even engaged in fraud,” she beamed. “Waste, fraud and abuse is Lockheed Martin’s secret motto.” 
Hewson went on to describe the F-35 as the poster child for peace. “This plane doesn’t work, and yet it’s the costliest weapons systems in world history,” she exclaimed. “The total cost of the F-35, through the life of the planes, is $1.5 trillion. In inflation-adjusted dollars, that is more than the combined costs of the Korean and Vietnam wars. We at Lockheed Martin are now finally willing to acknowledge our role in destroying the Pentagon’s ability to conduct war: we have utterly depleted their budget. We are immensely proud of our company’s part in defunding the Pentagon. And in the process, we’ve managed to make ourselves very, very rich!” George Little, assistant to the Secretary of Defense for Public Affairs, had no comment on the Lockheed Martin report. An undisclosed source said that Little has applied for a position with Northrop Grumman.
Lockheed Martin Nominated for Nobel Peace Prize
Oslo — The Nobel Peace Prize committee announced today that Lockheed Martin is being considered for the prestigious prize. Committee spokesperson Geir Lundestad commented, “We don’t usually announce nominees for the award, but this nominee is so unusual and so outstanding that the Committee is making an exception to the rule, so as to build excitement for the ceremony.” Lundestad added that U.S. military contractor Lockheed Martin is the top contender for the prize. “As we all know, the U.S. has involved itself in far more wars than any other country since World War II. These include the wars in Korea, Vietnam, Laos, Lebanon, Congo, Cuba, Columbia, Bolivia, Cambodia, Grenada, Guatemala, El Salvador, Libya, Panama, Iraq, Somalia, Yugoslavia, Haiti, Liberia, Pakistan, and Yemen. So, if a means can be found to prevent the U.S. from initiating and expanding wars, then world peace becomes a real possibility. The Committee believes that the solution is at hand: Lockheed Martin is taking all the money from the Pentagon for the F-35, a huge boondoggle. With all the money tied up in the F-35, we believe that the U.S. will find it much more difficult to instigate wars. Kudos to Lockheed Martin!”
The Nobel Peace Prize will be awarded on December 10. F-35 industry partners Northrupp Grumman, Pratt & Whitney, and BAE systems are hopeful that they will share the honor of the prize with Lockheed Martin.
Peace Action Montgomery Salutes the F-35, The Jet that Ate the Pentagon
Silver Spring — At a celebrity-studded ceremony in Silver Spring Saturday night, Peace Action Montgomery celebrated the F-35, the premiere accomplishment of the world’s largest military contractor, Lockheed Martin. The county peace group awarded Lockheed Martin its “War Profiteer of the Year Award,” the second time the company has been recognized with this award. “But this time,” said Jean Athey, coordinator of the group, “we have finally realized that Lockheed Martin is another peace group, just like us, except that it is very powerful and can make sizeable political contributions, such as the $426,989 donations made to Maryland politicians over the last eight years.” The evening began with a showing of the video, “The Jet that Ate the Pentagon”
Musical entertainment was provided by a local high school group, The Outcasts. Some attendees complained about the quality of the music, but Melody Sousa, the volunteer student director of the band, explained, “Well, our school could no longer include music in the curriculum, with all the budget cuts, so we’ve been without music instruction. But we’re very glad that Lockheed Martin got all its funding! We are also proud that in his last year as CEO of Lockheed Martin in 2012, Robert Stevens got a total compensation package of $53.1 million, almost all of it from tax payers. And the new CEO, Marillyn Hewson, received $25.16 million in her very first year! Is this a great country or what, that we can pay our military contractors such huge sums. I do wish, though, that we had music teachers.”
Politicians, civic leaders, and Hollywood stars vied with each other to heap praise on Lockheed Martin for its accomplishments with the F-35 Lightning II Joint Strike Fighter. Secretary of State John Kerry could hardly contain his enthusiasm for the plane. “Remember in my youth, how I said, ‘Who wants to be the last man to die for a mistake?’ For you young people out there, that was when I opposed the Vietnam war,” he chuckled. “With the F-35, there will be no more mistakes! America can no longer afford war! Of course, we may bankrupt the country with the cost of the F-35,” he conceded, “but congratulations to Lockheed Martin.” Kerry walked off the stage to thunderous applause, appearing puzzled. The Secretary’s press liaison explained later that this was the first time Kerry had ever received loud applause.
Another speaker, Diane Randall, executive secretary of the Friends Committee on National Legislation, a Quaker advocacy group, spoke next. She commented, “Our organization has been saying for years that ‘War is Not the Answer.’ Who knew that the question was, ‘How can we bankrupt the Pentagon?’ And who’d have guessed that Lockheed Martin would be the company that did it, that Lockheed Martin is the answer!”
Kevin Martin, executive director of Peace Action, the country’s largest peace group, congratulated Lockheed Martin on its accomplishment. “Peace Action salutes Lockheed Martin for the F-35! While we have a robust peace movement in the U.S., we continue to seek allies in our struggle for a demilitarized foreign policy. We are so pleased to welcome Lockheed Martin to a new partnership with us!”
To end the event, Martin and Hewitt joined hands and led the audience in a rousing rendition of “Kumbaya.”
Lockheed Martin Absolved of Corporate Welfare Charge
Rockville — Lockheed Martin, recipient of scurrilous charges of corporate welfare over the last three years, has now been exonerated. Until recently, the company’s private hotel in Bethesda was legally required to charge its paying guests the county’s lodging tax, applied to all hotel guests in the county. However, Lockheed Martin found this tax to be a burden and requested relief through a bill drafted specifically for it.
When the Montgomery County Council refused in 2011 to pass such a bill to exempt Lockheed Martin from the tax, the company commissioned its eight lobbyists in the Maryland General Assembly to persuade the state legislature to do its bidding: in 2013, a bill was passed into law requiring Montgomery County to grant the guests of the corporation’s hotel an exemption from its otherwise standard accommodations tax, a tax that every other hotel guest in Montgomery County pays.
The usual critics of corporate domination of politics immediately responded with cries of dismay, calling the law a classic example of “corporate welfare.” They have now been silenced. As an important peace group in Montgomery County, Lockheed Martin is simply ensuring that it can continue its vital work by maximizing its profits. Lockheed Martin CFO Martin Tanner rebutted the “corporate welfare” canard with this terse observation: “It is a contradiction in terms for a peace group to get corporate welfare. Peace groups don’t have enough money to be eligible for corporate welfare.”