Nebula describes itself as a group that supports “survivors of battering, SA, IPV and DV with community & physical resources in crisis and in their empowerment”. They also “ assist neighbors and mutual aid groups learning how to build liberatory practices in their groups.” Two of the core members came together in the context of tenant organizing. They realized a connection between tenant organizing and domestic violence support. They noticed that often organizers involved in tenants’ rights ended up being involved in domestic violence support because homes are often the center of the violence. Nebula core members including Melissa, Tiffany, and Chris began to have conversations in 2020 brainstorming how they could help those who needed support. Below is a conversation talking about the group processes and what we should all know about DV that isn’t talked about nearly enough. Chris told me at the beginning of our talk that he was interested in being involved because he knew it was common for people to step away and not make it their business. He conveyed that more people need to make it their business and he was interested in having the tools to do so.
Can you talk about the difference between approaching you all versus someone approaching the police to support a domestic violence situation?
I haven’t asked every single person why they don’t want the police involved but where it has come up people don’t want the police involved because they don’t think that they will actually help. They think the police escalate things. Other people don’t want the police involved because they don’t like them, or they are afraid of them, or they make the connection that the jail system is not going to help long term. I think I can guess why people would believe that but we haven’t had the chance to have these long conversations about why people don’t feel comfortable about the police coming in. If they are being battered they don’t believe the police will solve the situation and they don’t want the person battering them to go to jail or they are still a part of their support system. Most people don’t want them to go to jail, they just want change and they don’t see those things as connected.
It is important to note that a lot of times the police do get involved. Usually because neighbors call the police because they heard or witnessed the violence before we did. So sometimes they are there before we get there. Unfortunately there is an incentive for people to call the police and that has to do with what different institutions require in order to act. So if someone wants to break a lease to leave their apartment they need that police report legally. Another incentive or practical need that’s forced upon people to call the police is in order to get a restraining order it has to be the police. There has to be this police report. It’s too bad that it can’t be a group of neighbors saying “Hey we saw this.” or an org coming through and saying “We back this witness.” Those two situations have such an impact.
Unlike the police, when we go we don’t escalate things and we don’t have weapons on us. Based on a lot of the situations we’ve been in, no one really has firearms or knives -maybe because we are in Chicago, IL. There are a lot of regulations on that stuff around here. We also don’t come with the threat of killing or jailing someone. We also don’t come with the threat of framing people for crimes that they didn’t commit. The Chicago Police Department has a history of doing this. We can be directly communicated with without having to have the state apparatus in your business. There are also a lot of things that the police just can’t do. All they know how to do is arrest and escalate and maim or kill. For example, part of the conflict in this DV situation was the guy had stolen her car. So we went to try to help her out-this was a little before Nebula- me and some other folks- and the police were there and all they could do was take a report. The police were there for a while and were just a big waste of time but me and some other folks stuck around and got the keys back within 30 minutes of the cops leaving. All they did was add tension to the situation and embolden the person in a way too because they knew the cops couldn’t do anything.
Going back I remember one time- also before Nebula- where there was someone being battered and I interrupted it- he was bashing her head into a wall. She did not want to call law enforcement because she worked at the county jail and it would have embarrassed her. We were in a county where the sheriff department would have showed up. Governments being among the largest employers in the country matters in those situations. We’re also not going to tell people your business because we don’t show up with all these lights. When the cops show up they all have these lights and alert people that something is going on. We approach people so they are able to have way more privacy. That’s meaningful stuff. A lot of people are ashamed that they’ve been through violence and people blame themselves so that’s a good thing that we are allowed to not add to that shame that they are realistically going through and don’t need anymore of. To be clear, they shouldn’t feel ashamed about anything but we have to meet people where they are at.
What does your governance structure look like? How do you all make decisions?
We meet four times a month and also have emergency meetings that can replace the scheduled meetings. Those meetings are about an hour and a half. We try not to meet in December except for emergency meetings. Outside of those meetings we have virtual chats where we vote, share news, or solicit opinions. We do everything by consensus. We do empower people to do all sorts of things in an emergency nature. As long as we communicate to everybody in some way through the chat or in our notes what the decision is. We have four people at our core so sometimes we only have two people who have met and agreed on a decision at one of the regular meetings that impacts the group. A lot of times what happens is we make the decision and we aren’t going to implement it until we know other members of the group are cool with that. There were times where we documented the decision that was made and we couldn’t get in touch with everyone in the group about it. The decision was visible and the next time we did get to all meet about it the decision was ratified. There have been some decisions when there was no prior discussion about it in the past but there is some type of precedence even if people aren’t able to respond to our text or participate in a meeting. We’ve been comfortable with the system where if we can’t get consent before the action, the consent of two people is good enough. Meetings are usually 7-14 days apart. We meet on the 1st, 2nd,3rd, and 4th Fridays. We don’t have titles, though there are certain things that people tend to do more. For example I crunch the numbers more with the budget and I am always trying to categorize the money that we are spending and always trying to see the money that we have left. We have struggled pretty hard to make sure the meetings land on when we’re all available. We’ve changed meeting times so many times as our lives and health have evolved. I’ve never been in an organization that’s done that and i consider that pretty impressive.
What’s the criteria for support?
Anyone we have direct or indirect contact with. In terms of indirect, it’s usually a neighbor, friend, co-worker, other organization, or family member that is the indirect connection.
Can you explain the funding structure?
The way that Nebula started up we got money from individual persons and we also got some small grants from Crossroadsfund.org. They are a Chicago area and Northwest Indiana related granter. We also got a grant from the Conant foundation who told us that we can be pro-Palestine when grantors started punishing Palestinian supporters in late 2023. We’ve also tried some fundraising ourselves but I think it’s fair to say we do want to get better at that. Right now we are in limbo with our fiscal host so we are on hold on where we can put the money. Because of this we have declined searching for or trying to fundraise more money.
What does the process look like for someone in need? How quickly are you able to provide support?
Our main way we support is through help with relocation and everything associated with that. Whether it’s moving them to a new apartment, temporary hotel, or crashing at a friend’s house. There are other ways we help folks out outside of temporary relocation. Just talking to them, hearing them out and visiting them. It’s a big deal. People are experiencing adrenaline fatigue and second guessing themselves a lot. They forget their options because they are so stressed out. We do this either in a conversation or text messages. And from those conversations we find out other needs that they have that they could really use a hand with. Whether it’s stuff that needs to be bought such as a new phone, train cards or public transportation passes. There were some folks I was helping to get work permits or grocery help. If we can’t find friendly folks to help out with that stuff we will do what we can to take that on ourselves. One of the big supports I’m looking forward to that hasn’t quite developed but has been a long time in the making is more safe space to build relationships. This will pave the way toward building a good anti-DV and anti-IPV movement. Melissa and Tiffany want to have a space to do yoga and Zumba and invite the people we have helped out to be able to participate in that for free. I think that’s something that will be awesome when they do that. That’s a cool project that will be important to offer deeper friendship and a free, supported, and safe space that can be hard to get in Chicago. It also offers them an opportunity to build a movement. I suspect that’s rare.
Me and some pals that have been going fishing are working on opening up space for people that have been through DV or seen it in their household for them to go canoeing, fishing or other survival related activities to create friendships and strengthen networks and build community. The idea is that this will also be free and hopefully subsidized by external supporters.
What does the conversation or direct action look like?
We are not always in contact in the midst of the violence. It could be something that happened yesterday. We will talk to them about what kind of risks they are experiencing, what they want to do, and check on the kids. We basically help them co-process. They don’t have to be in imminent danger. I find it’s Ideal to meet in person. Before we go it’s good to ask if there are firearms or weapons involved? Is there a possibility that someone is going to bring weapons? We also remind people the cops are going to show up because usually someone calls the cops. All of this informs the analysis of what kind of danger is involved. If there is ongoing battery it can get really risky. In every situation I am never alone- it hasn’t happened that way yet. There’s usually someone we know who’s requested us to get involved. And they’re usually at least there, especially in the more tense situations.
How do Transformative Justice principles inform your work? How do you handle repair with an abuser if someone is seeking that?
We are interested in doing what we can to support everyone to change and be empowered. Whether it’s the people who are seeing the violence, the people who are experiencing the violence, or the people doing the violence. I said the people who are seeing the violence first because I just thought about the children first. So part of that is we don’t take the approach of trying to urge separation or trying to condemn the person who’s causing harm and sometimes it’s both. In that situation it can be hard to tell. The way we approach people in these situations reflects that so we don’t urge people to separate. We talk to them about their options unless it does seem that they will be irreparably harmed if there isn’t at least some temporary separation. That’s what we’ve seen around how we are helping other folks.
Sometimes the core members are helping people on our own with other folks outside of Nebula and we go back to Nebula to brainstorm ideas or to communicate needs that we cannot meet on our own for the people that need help. So we will walk them through their options which always are imbued with this idea that people can change and need to change. Right now the transformative work is in the values and the opinions that we share with people as they are going through this since a lot of what we have been doing so far is helping people that have been battered to survive which is meaningful in and of itself. But I can say that there is a deep desire among the Nebula core for people to change and find ways for that to happen that is not dependent on incarcerating them. While also dealing with the fact some of these folks that we are helping whose batterer has been incarcerated needs help too. Because while they are incarcerated, not because of our own doing of course, the jails and prisons in Illinois and Texas don’t give them opportunities to heal and change. If anything they are just exposed to more trauma and more torture which just perpetuates the problems.
One of the reasons I joined is because there was a desire to change the behavior of people who caused harm. Part of it is being open to supporting people who battered who are trying to do good. We know a situation of someone who did the battering and they went to jail-not sure if it was related to battering. They came out and they were on the verge of being homeless and their small social support system was struggling really hard. We assisted them so they didn’t become homeless and also assisted them to support the child in the relationship where there needed to be lots of space between the adults. In this situation everyone in Nebula was supporting it because we knew if you have a record it’s almost impossible to have a job. It’s hard to have a job when they’ve been through that system and it’s hard to have a chance to change when they’re plunged into deeper and deeper forms of disempowerment. It’s not just them that we are supporting, it’s their support system too because they are not on their own but their support system acknowledges how hard it is for them to be in an empowered position to help others and to change. They are the ones that have told us of the barriers to survival and we recognize the lack of opportunities for change.
What’s a big misconception about DV that you wish more people knew?
It’s way more prevalent than people think. I think in Chicago I suspect based on what I’ve seen there is a situation every two blocks at any moment. It’s just so common. The more people talk about it the more people are aware it’s going on. Someone in Chicago called it Domestic Terrorism which I think is a good term. It’s just so prevalent. I suspect that’s one of the challenges to building an anti-DV movement. Compared to tenant organizing that avoids these situations it’s way more traumatic.
How can people who want to be more of a help to people in their lives start in ways that honor the danger this work can do?
If someone wants to help I would say don’t judge them. Don’t be an asshole. Don’t be self righteous. Hear them out and understand that people are in these relationships for many reasons that we might not be able to understand. It takes a long time for people to leave these relationships if they must leave or it can take a long while for the relationship to change. You have to be prepared to listen for a long time and if you want to help them out, draw your boundaries and see what you can help with, especially if it’s for the long term. Don’t tell anyone about their situation without their permission. Be mindful that you don’t want to impose help on them. It can be unfair to propose certain things because they might be so desperate that they can’t really say no. Be mindful of the different ways you can impose on someone who is in need of help in the name of helping them. And with their permission develop a support network. If you can, reach out to orgs that can offer help that you can’t especially if that person requires privacy. It can be harder to do things depending on the privacy required. Be in constant touch with them as much as you can and in person is always better unless they tell you that telecommunications is better. If there’s people that want to start up their own anti-DV collectives they can reach out to us to talk about how they can emerge. If others can’t talk, I can definitely be a placeholder for connection and share what I know. One thing I would say though, if you’ve battered people or sexually assaulted someone and there hasn’t been repair or if you’ve done a lot of harm to people I wouldn’t recommend you get involved in this work especially if it’s going to be a radical thing. I would say focus on your own healing and let other folks be the core of such efforts.
It’s also important to be mindful that it can be traumatizing to help others-exposing yourself to trauma can create high burnout. So I’d say start super small. A 1-3 person support crew for just one person across a year, in my opinion, is humongous. All the better if you can swap notes with other anti-DV efforts without violating privacy or do some research about or with other orgs that may be able to offer options or assistance that you may not be able to do in a timely way. And also scout and vet those organizations to see if there are conditions that would violate boundaries or dignity.
It’s important to remember we’re all connected whether we’ve been fooled to think we aren’t or not. What’s happening inside of someone’s four walls is just a reflection of what’s happening outside of those four walls. It’s a reflection of the greater society.
Something an astute lady neighbor of mine told me as she and I reflected on these issues that I would like to share is this: If you can, identify if there are any easy to eliminate stressors to try to keep things from getting worse.. There was a situation where a couple didn’t have a fridge so the roaches were eating their food. This was a large stressor on the relationship and contributed toward the violence. Getting them a new fridge almost eliminated a lot of the violence.
Of course, there is likely other violence and its foundations still present to address, within the relationship and in society. Based on a recent conversation in Nebula, it seems this tactic may help one relationship one of the core is involved in helping. They are trying to de-escalate problems in the relationship.
One more thing, a pattern I’m noticing for people who want or need to relocate away from the violent relationship is that it’s easier for them to leave when they have friends or relatives to talk to and to talk about options. Don’t underestimate the healing power and potential of just being a consistent, reliable presence in person and, or via telecommunication. We’ve seen situations where it’s hard for them to leave when they don’t have anybody. It’s sad when someone confesses they don’t have someone that they trust. The more we are connected and checking in on each other and not judging, the better.
I really hope you’ll be able to interview the rest of the Nebula folks when they have a moment to reflect. They have important insights that I know are missing here. And I think the chance to share them will help us a lot.
If you want to learn more about Nebula’s work and how you can help you can contact them at nebulahomies@gmail.com